did you get engaged???
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
