ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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