I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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