I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Pappa wants mamma naked
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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