Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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