grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
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I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
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He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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