I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
