conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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