Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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