Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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