if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
