After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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