John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
