Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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