I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
there was a trapeze. enough said
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
