How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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