mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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