Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
