ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
