Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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