ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
