Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
