Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
