The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
We are two peas in an std pod
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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