help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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