i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
