I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
