I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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