Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
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found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
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I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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