so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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