You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
