Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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