lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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