just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
FUCK WHALES
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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