Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
