how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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