The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Holy shit dude........stairs
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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