She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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