Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize