from now on my penis is your penis
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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