im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
