i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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