So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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