there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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