yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
