God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
3 2 1 whiskey
Randomize
