So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
