oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
