I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
