so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
