Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
