I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
