apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
