I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
