Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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