Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
