The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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