We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
